I'll start by reading the skill brief and the required files.

Pre-David pass — scene 24, "Which way at the bridge"

Part 1 — does this sentence make sense

"Everything that could be handed over had been handed over the night before last"
Part 1, check every count and every fact inside the scene. redacted was last night: scenes 20–23 are all Day 6 (four o'clock, supper, the two lists, the Drovers at ten, packing at eleven), and this is Day 7's dawn. "The night before last" is Day 5, when nothing had started.
→ "had been handed over the night before, entry by entry, in three hours at the kitchen table, and gone through twice since"

"Mrs Hobbet was in the yard too, and had been up that hill before either of them."
Part 1, check every count and fact. Edwin did not come up the hill; he came down out of his own tower. The claim is only true of Peri.
→ "Mrs Hobbet was in the yard too, and had come up the hill in the dark, before Peri did."

"the one she gave Peri had a P worked in thread on the knot, because she had asked at the inn what the girl wouldn't eat, and the answer had been onion, and there was no onion in it."
Part 1, viewpoint knowledge. Edwin cannot know what is inside a wrapped breakfast, and he was not at the inn for the asking. The fact is good and canon; it needs a mouth.
→ Give it to Mrs Hobbet: "The one with the P is yours," she said to Peri. "There's no onion in it. I asked at the inn what you wouldn't eat." Then Edwin need only see the P.

"and I think he meant it as thanks."
Part 1, a reply/gloss that does not parse, and the author's standing comment on the earlier "and he said it happily". Saying the landlady fed the horse better than she fed him is a complaint on its face; "thanks" does not follow from it, and he had three suppers.
→ "and he wasn't complaining. He'd sooner they fed the horse." (Or the author's own suggested shape: "and it sounded like a compliment.")

"the climb had not cost her what it had cost her six days ago: the boots were broken in and honestly dirty, the pack sat low and tight ... and at some point in the week the bright brass pin on her cloak had been traded for a plain one."
Part 1, a justification that does not distinguish / a colon that promises evidence and delivers something else. Boots and pack explain a cheaper climb; the cloak pin does not, and it drifts the sentence from the climb to a general inventory of the week.
→ Keep the colon on the two that bear on the climb and give the pin its own sentence: "...the pack sat low and tight against her back where the first one had ridden up round her ears. At some point in the week the bright brass pin on her cloak had been traded for a plain one."

redacted sentence: unpublished prose
Part 1, a cause left out — the reader is told a fact and not what it means, and the whole exit turns on it.
→ "...and were going to be in full sun an hour earlier than anybody had planned, which would dry them out before the morning was over."

"Go on. Three miles of orchard, then barley all the way to the bridge, and you want the barley done before noon."
VOICE §2, a character who has a reason gives it. The deadline has no reason on the page, and Sorrel's whole construction is instruction-plus-deadline-plus-reason (as in her preceding "If I wait for the other letter I could be waiting past the frosts", which works).
→ "...and you want the barley done before noon, because there's not a yard of shade on it and this high has one hot day left in it."

"because he had left it where a man could not get out of the study without picking it up"
Part 1, pronoun with a competing antecedent. Both the pack and the staff were left by the study door in scene 23; "it" wants to be the staff.
→ "because he had left the staff where a man could not get out of the study without picking it up".

"the girl had mended her gate hinge, the Corrys' winch, and half the parish's small jobs in six days"
Part 1, a fact overstated into a falsehood / scale against canon. Canon has the gate hinge, the winch and four hours in the goat shed. "Half the parish's small jobs" is the narrator inflating a real list.
→ "the girl had mended her gate hinge, mucked her goat shed, and put the Corrys' winch back in service, in six days".

"Dob nodded once and did not ask how to spell it."
Part 1, an inference that does not follow, and Part 3, literacy. Nothing makes Dob a bad speller, "east" is not a hard word, and canon has him literate and writing things up at home — so the joke's premise is invented for the joke.
→ "Dob nodded once. He did not write it down; the writing happened at home, on the wall, when he got there."

"gave one to each of them by hand"
Part 1, a word doing a job it cannot do — "by hand" distinguishes nothing here.
→ "and put one into each of their hands".

Part 2 — the gesture at meaning

"the climb was an opinion, and everybody present could read it."
Part 2, a sentence shaped like weight, plus the footnote clause telling the reader it means something. Say what she meant by coming.
→ "At her age, with that shoulder, at that hour, the climb had cost her a good deal, and she had spent it on purpose: she had come to see the girl off, and everybody in the yard knew it."

"East he had."
redacted sentence: unpublished prose
→ cut.

"and at the man carrying both."
Part 2, and viewpoint: Edwin narrating himself as "the man" to make the look significant.
redacted sentence: unpublished prose

Part 3 — would this exist

"The wall at home took a thing only when it had finished happening"
VOICE §2, understandable to a reader who has not read the previous scene — "the wall at home" is a callback carrying its whole meaning unexplained, which is the act-two failure in miniature.
→ "Dob kept a wall at his father's cart shed, in chalk, under REMARKABLE THINGS, and the wall took a thing only when it had finished happening; a leaving was not finished until somebody had seen it leave, so he had come up in the dark to see it."

Part 6 — weak where it should be strong

"'The pack's ready,' said Edwin"
Part 6 / VOICE §2, a question answered with a fragment that gestures at one. It is decodable, but it is the fourth non-answer in a row (Mrs Hobbet's unanswered "You'll look after her", Dob's "which way", Sorrel's turn to the trays), and it is the closing line — exactly the position the author already called awkward once. A scene may end on a plain answer.
→ "'Not particularly,' said Edwin, and started down the first bend, and she fell in beside him."

"She said: "
Part 6, punctuation. The colon before dialogue is not the book's form anywhere else.
→ "She said, 'The rider was saddling...'"

Aphorism count. Three narrator generalisations: "the climb was an opinion", the wall-and-leaving rule, and "she had never once, in eleven years, needed to say anything at a door that the work had not already said." The last is the good one and is canon-load-bearing; the first is fixed above, which brings the scene to one.

The device a second round would be about: the engine — nobody says the thing a parting is for — is currently executed as four consecutive people not answering the question in front of them, which is the shape the act-two verdict named ("people talk cryptically at each other"). It reads as a house style rather than as four different reticences.

What it would take: let exactly one of them say the plain thing straight — Mrs Hobbet's "You'll look after her" is the natural place, since she is the only one in the yard with no eleven-year shorthand to hide in, and Edwin can answer her plainly ("I will") without the scene losing Sorrel's silence, which is the one that matters.