Two checks in one on two freshly drafted scenes in [redacted]: draft/…

I'll start by reading the two scenes and the required reference material.

Now the canon files.

Part A — Facts-only consistency check

1. The opening sentence misdescribes the fourth thing.
redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted, and the fourth was a box that Edwin had never opened, opened by somebody else." (115:3)

The fourth thing in the bag is Sorrel's letter. The box is in the cold dairy at Appleford and was never in any post-bag. Fix: "...and the fourth was a letter from Sorrel saying that the box had been opened."

2. Edwin knows the sampling date one item too early.
redacted sentence: unpublished prose

He says this over redacted's** slip, which in this draft reports only p. 411, receipt on the 9th and forwarding on the 10th. The 4 Cornmonth date is on the **sender's slip, which he reads two paragraphs later in Sorrel's copy. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose

3. Sorrel opened the box / did not open the box — internally contradictory, and a change to canon.
redacted sentence: unpublished prose The outer box only." (115:23)

redacted sentence: unpublished prose Separately, canon (sorrel.md, the box, ch. redacted sentence: unpublished prose Answer to the question asked: as drafted she does open it (outer box only, inner six shut) — but the sentence at 115:21 and the sentence at 115:23 must be made to agree, and the leak mechanism is dropped. redacted sentence: unpublished prose

4. The trigger date does not reconcile with Sorrel's 1 Saltmonth letter.
redacted sentence: unpublished prose

Edwin's letter is 5 Fallowmonth (redacted's east house, sorrel.md/edwin.md), and she answered it on 1 Saltmonth (the letter under the stone, scene 108 unpublished). So "his letter of the fifth" reaching her and being acted on on 5 Salt means she read the box sentence, wrote back on the 1st without mentioning it, and went to the dairy four days later. Name the month and account for the gap, or move her action to the day the letter came.

5. "two months" is a ruled error under the standing house rule.
redacted sentence: unpublished prose

redacted sentence: unpublished prose Fix: "for seven weeks" or "since the sixteenth of Cornmonth." (Note this is also where canon's separate "92 days on the dresser" figure comes from — the draft's 5 Salt opening makes that 79 days; timeline.md will need updating either way.)

6. R. Shore is the tenant in canon, the clerk in 115/117.

"redacted's second page next, in R. Shore's clerk's hand" (115:9)
"Shore's six stakes first." (116:25)

minor.md: R. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted's warden, and the warden's clerk copied the page. Scene 117 unpublished already makes Shore "the house's clerk … who had written the two pages", with the tenant a separate man. So 115/116/117 agree with each other and all three disagree with canon. This needs one ruling, then one of the two sides fixed; as it stands 115:9's "R. Shore's clerk's hand" also contradicts 117 (there Shore is the clerk, so he has no clerk).

7. A dog at Fenholt that will not go to a corner is not established anywhere.

"Write that we've a dog at Fenholt that won't go to a corner … and that I've now got two of them." (115:13)

redacted sentence: unpublished prose A dog refusing ground at site A would be a real new datum for the record. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose

8. The redacted slip's fresh wording changes one fact.
   redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted. ✓

9. Edwin's "before Frostmonth's out" overshoots by a month.

"I won't be at redacted before Frostmonth's out if I walk there tomorrow" (115:33)

redacted to the tower is ~124 miles by the road he has walked (14 back to Wystow, 70 to Fenholt, 40 to Appleford), plus 19 west: about ten days' walking, putting him at the gate ~29–30 Saltmonth, i.e. before Frostmonth begins, not after it ends. redacted sentence: unpublished prose A letter tonight is."*

10. Peri's three prior hand-readings: two of them are Edwin's hand in canon.
redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted" (116:21)

redacted sentence: unpublished prose 013 / scene 53 unpublished redacted sentence: unpublished prose Only redacted (scene 102 unpublished) has Peri walking an edge by hand on the page. Fix: keep redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted yourself."* Peri's own "the way I did at the pale field" (116:25) fails the same way.

11. Same sentence contradicts itself.

"you've had the spade say you were right at all three and wrong once" (116:21)

Right at all three and wrong once cannot both hold. Scene 102 unpublished has the hand agreeing at every stake but one. redacted sentence: unpublished prose

12. Three days at redacted should be four.

"and I've three days there and a box on the twenty-fifth" (116:15)

redacted.md, the Frostmonth plan on the record: out of Wystow the 18th, redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose Arrival 21st and departure 25th is four days. Fix: "four days there."

13. "the sixth of these" is a count error.
redacted sentence: unpublished prose

redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose The next one found is the seventh. redacted sentence: unpublished prose

14. "since redacted last night."
    redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted last night" (116:43)

They are sitting in redacted; they never left it. Fix: "since last night."

15. redacted sentence: unpublished prose

(116:23) The finger-counting has no causeway occurrence on the page (scenes 26, 28, 30 have none). Either cut the clause or attach it to something that happened.

16. Requested spot-checks, all clear.

• redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted at the rope with the key is his, ✓.
• redacted "I'll write to redacted" and the second circular on the 24th: ✓ redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted").
  redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted at three: ✓ timeline.md Days 94–95, geography.md.
• redacted's slip: p. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose
  redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted woman four times in eleven years; redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted with a chain and the seventh entire, redacted first, consent at the gate; box shut till a witness stands in the field; slip copied to redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose
• redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose
• redacted's "danger's mine, destination's his", the 25th boxed: ✓ redacted.md road rules and the Frostmonth plan.
  redacted sentence No conflict.
• Peri insisting the figure is hers and not "Moss's": ✓ consistent with her letters to redacted's boy in her own name and the redacted ruling.
• Sealed check (shape only): neither scene states, implies, or gestures at a cause. redacted sentence: unpublished prose Nothing to flag.

17. FLAGGED AS INSTRUCTED — the auger is settled a day early.
redacted sentence: unpublished prose Scene 116 unpublished:45 settles it on the 19th ("she would carry it from redacted", redacted writes it), and scene 117 unpublished:39 then has Peri driving stakes "with the mallet she had carried from redacted" — so the draft has already committed to the settled version downstream. This is a real change to the Day 96 beat. If it stands, timeline.md Day 96 needs amending and scene 118 unpublished must not re-open the question. Note also that scene 114 already ends on Peri taking the mallet and redacted saying "That'll do" — so 116:45 is the second time this exact transaction is played (see finding 24).

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Part B — Pre-David pass

18. Part 2, the announcing opening. (115:3) Beyond finding 1, the sentence tells the reader to be startled and then withholds the startle for twenty-eight paragraphs, and "a box that Edwin had never opened, opened by somebody else" is the shape of significance rather than a claim. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose

19. Part 1, a reply that doesn't answer.
redacted sentence: unpublished prose

They already know which three: A, B and C. Flat restatement produces two readings and I cannot choose. redacted sentence: unpublished prose

20. Part 2, the gesture.

"and it was the decision the road had been walking him toward since the letter to Marsh" (115:33)

A road does not walk a man toward a decision, and "since the letter to Marsh" is a back-reference the sentence does not cash. redacted sentence: unpublished prose

21. Part 4, "my housekeeper's dresser."
redacted sentence: unpublished prose

He has not named Sorrel in this scene, and this is the one label he would not reach for at this moment — the whole scene is about handing her a site and the seventh entire. Fix: "on Sorrel's dresser."

22. Part 1, unearned specific.
redacted sentence: unpublished prose

Three hundred years ago places a prior break at age fifty with nothing behind it; the number is precise for no reason. redacted sentence: unpublished prose

23. Parts 2 and 6, the button on 115.

"I've written both. The second one's what you didn't say." (115:47)

Three faults at once: it restates the previous sentence with a clever turn (a resolving button); it footnotes its own joke; and "written both" leans on a groundwork callback phrase that VOICE.md §3 forbids from carrying meaning on its own. Fix: end on the plain version — *"I've written that you said she goes to redacted. redacted sentence: unpublished prose Also strike the italics on she goes to redacted / I'd go if I could (Part 6: italics for a quoted phrase inside speech read oddly); the same applies to care of the college at 115:5 and Moss's at 116:39.

24. Part 5, a device failing: "That'll do" and the auger beat played twice.
114:35 — Peri silently takes the mallet, redacted: "That'll do." 116:45 — Peri takes the auger, redacted: "That'll do," and writes it. Third occurrence in the act (105:31 is the first). Two scenes apart, same transaction, same three-word verdict, both at a scene's last line. Rephrasing will not fix it; one of the two beats has to go, or 116's has to be a different move. Proposal: keep 114's, and end 116 on redacted's entry rather than her verdict — "and redacted struck the auger off her own line in the book and wrote P.M. against it."

25. Part 5 / SCENES binding, endings on writing. SCENES.md act-three list: "No scene ends on writing more than one in three." Last lines: 112 ends on writing, 113 on "write that under it", 115 on "I've written both", 116 on "and wrote it" — four of the last five. 116's is the one to change (see 24); 115's changes under finding 23.

26. Part 2, banned family.

"and lighter than she had thought" (116:45)

"than she would have expected" is named in the banned family and this is its cousin. redacted sentence: unpublished prose

27. Part 1, sense: water reaching an auger.

"redacted turned them round before the water had reached the auger." (116:3)

The auger is on a pack on somebody's back; a foot of water on a drove cannot reach it, and they never entered the water. Fix: *"and redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose

28. Part 1, ambiguous antecedent and a soft number.
redacted sentence: unpublished prose

Which book — the grey book, redacted, the register? And seventy miles is the Fenholt–Wystow figure, not the distance they have walked to this ditch. Fix: name it, e.g. redacted sentence: unpublished prose

29. Part 5, repetition. "one and a third arms" appears twice in 116 eleven lines apart (and twice in 114). Change the second: "a man who's had a redacted off two days."

30. Part 2, the verdict tail.

"and it isn't a thing I'm sorry about. It's a thing I'm for." (116:43)

A closing abstraction about herself, the exact button-shape her file bans as Edwin's, and it claims only that the moment is meaningful. redacted sentence: unpublished prose

31. Part 4 / Part 1, Peri's grievance names the wrong event.

"I've watched a college put your name on a thing you'd left the name off, and I've watched you let it." (116:39)

What she watched (scenes 108–109) is a college putting its own name on Sorrel's correction, and Edwin spending two days getting Sorrel's name back onto it — the opposite of letting it stand, and not about his name. As written the reason does not distinguish and the reference has no referent. redacted sentence: unpublished prose

32. Part 1, cryptic dialogue.

"The seventeenth. Monthly. I'll write to redacted," (115:5)

Two fragments a reader cannot parse without canon — the pacing day and the redacted bores. redacted sentence: unpublished prose I'll write to redacted about the bores."*

33. Part 1, "Mine." (116:19) A one-word answer standing for a question. Fix: "Mine first?"

34. Part 1, compression.
redacted sentence: unpublished prose

35. Part 1, "a box on the twenty-fifth." (116:15) "Box" in these two scenes means a soil box in every other instance. redacted sentence: unpublished prose

36. Part 5, borderline — redacted's slogan.

"Danger's mine. Destination's his. This is danger." (116:9)

The balanced definitional pair with the verdict in the second half is banned for her and owned by Edwin (redacted.md §7a). It survives as an attested rule rather than a coinage, but the symmetry is his shape. redacted sentence: unpublished prose Back to redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose

Verdicts on the two questions the pass ends on. The device a second round of comments would be about is the writing motif: five of the last six scene-endings turn on a book, a pen, or the word wrote, and redacted's "That'll do" has become the punctuation that closes them. It is not repaired by rewording any one line; it needs 116 ended on an action or a decision rather than an entry, and 114's mallet beat left as the only auger transaction. Second: Peri's roster speech is hers and should stay a single speech — redacted explicitly asked for it in order, so the recitation is motivated rather than a device; but the finger-counting back-reference (15) and the three-prior-readings preamble (10, 11) must be fixed or the speech stands on a false floor. Edwin's decision speech is long but is not anaphoric and answers the question asked; only the two clauses at findings 20, 21 and the arithmetic at 9 need touching.

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New facts (established by these scenes, not yet in canon)

1. redacted sentence: unpublished prose Needs a ruling; sorrel.md and silent-soil.md both carry the old version.
2. The dresser figure changes. With a 5 Salt opening the box sat 79 days, not timeline.md's 92; and Edwin's letter of 5 Fallowmonth now carries a "two months" that should read seven weeks.
3. Edwin asked Wystow about the box while still in Fallowmonth; redacted searched the sending book on the evening the audit ended, 17 Saltmonth. New causal chain for how redacted surfaced.
4. R. Shore is redacted house's clerk, not the tenant**, and the six stakes are his; the tenant is a separate unnamed man who owns the dog. Contradicts minor.md (Shore = tenant; the warden drove the stakes; the warden's clerk copied the page). 115, 116 and 117 all assume the new version.
5. A dog at Fenholt that will not go to a corner — asserted by Edwin, nowhere else on the page.
6. **redacted roster, written by redacted at redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose
7. Peri sets her own condition for the second circular: a wrong-at-half result goes in under her name, not Edwin's.
8. redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose Consistent with plans/series.md; unpublished the wording is new.
9. The auger is Peri's from redacted** (see finding 17) — timeline.md Day 96 needs amending.
10. **The redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose