You are running the pre-David pass on six newly drafted scenes of the…

I'll start by reading the skill and reference materials.

Now the scenes under review, plus context scenes.

Pre-David pass — scenes 63–68

Sweep 1 was voice/device; sweep 2 was the flat-restatement/count/back-reference lens. Findings numbered continuously, grouped by file. Em-dash budgets are all inside band; nothing flagged there.

redacted sentence: unpublished prose

1. "and she told redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose unpublished). redacted sentence: unpublished prose
2. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
3. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
4. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted's file: negative parallelism (banned inside quotes), maxim-capped speech, and the balanced definitional two-half sentence that redacted.md 7a assigns to Edwin. The cheap check (strip the last clause) improves the speech. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
5. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
6. "because that was the only kind of piece he had" — Part 2, verdict clause gesturing at significance; the point (four hours ahead, started blind) is already made by the sentence before. Cut the clause.
7. "Say the rest" … "She waited for the rest, and there was no rest" — Part 5, the same noun doing two different jobs eleven lines apart; the second reads as reuse. redacted sentence: unpublished prose

64 — Lamps on the ground

8. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
9. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
10. "Nothing means nothing. redacted sentence: unpublished prose → *"Nothing means nothing. redacted sentence: unpublished prose
11. "There is no moment." — Part 2, the gesture at meaning: no moment of what. redacted sentence: unpublished prose There is only the asking."*
12. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
13. redacted sentence: unpublished prose → "…and was grateful for it."
14. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
15. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
16. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted's hands in it." — Part 1, the count does not close. Six hands + eleven men = 17, which is not fours; scene 66 unpublished then needs two fours at the second gate (8) and six at the withy-bed post, and has "eleven other people" moving with her. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted's hands in it"* (14 + 6 = five fours), and check 66's "eleven other people" against it.
17. "Guildmaster redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted's later public accounting. Either witness it in two lines of its own, or reduce it here to his taking the church door and keep the admission for where it is paid.
18. redacted sentence: unpublished prose Things come through doorways." — redacted.md 7a: the definitional/balanced sentence is Edwin's, and this is a rule about how things behave rather than an attested instruction. The doorway image is canon; the shape is not hers. redacted sentence: unpublished prose They come to the light. redacted sentence: unpublished prose Nobody follows."*

65 — The sluice-keeper's door

19. redacted sentence: unpublished prose unpublished redacted sentence: unpublished prose
20. "He was the withy-cutter's boy's younger brother" … "told at seven by the Puckett boy" — Part 1, one person under two labels, neither of which the reader can join. Name him once at the horse and use that name in redacted's dictation.
21. "The boy had it word for word, the way a boy has a thing he has been shouted at with." — Part 2, the exact flourish already ruled on ("weird and unnecessary line" — he had it word for word), plus a near-idiom in the tail. Cut the whole sentence; the quotation has already landed.
22. "'I've counted it.' / 'You've counted it,' said Edwin." — dialogue rule 5, the reflexive echo (the named fault, cf. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
23. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
24. redacted sentence: unpublished prose unpublished); the hay that will not heat is in the loft over the byre. The answer must be about the barley, or Mattie is answering a different question from the one she asked.
25. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
26. redacted sentence: unpublished prose Name the person.
27. redacted sentence: unpublished prose Cut the wind clause; the distance and the lantern lane are the answer.
28. redacted sentence: unpublished prose Keep the 67 instance; cut this one.
29. "because redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose → *"because redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose

66 — The fen margin

30. "because redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose → *"…because redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose
31. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
32. "had begun the part people are worst at" — voices §2, the type-of-person generalisation, and a gesture. → "and had begun waiting."
33. "and Edwin found that frightening too" — Part 1, "too" with no antecedent: nothing earlier in the scene was frightening. Either drop "too" or plant the first one.
34. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
35. redacted sentence: unpublished prose
36. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted drilling the fours, not Peri). Either put the five o'clock showing on the page in one line in 64, or attribute it: "the way redacted had shown the fours and she had watched from the table."
37. "the same eight movements" — voices §6, false precision on a beat nobody recorded. → "the same few movements."
38. redacted sentence: unpublished prose Break at "four dogs." and give the dog its own two sentences.
39. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
40. redacted sentence: unpublished prose → "and took the haft and redacted with it."
41. "Long. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
42. "because he had seen it and could not say why it was worth seeing" — Part 2, gesture, and untrue on its face: he can say why (a thing that will not cross three inches of water, in a fen). redacted sentence: unpublished prose
43. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
44. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted ruled it in front of witnesses that he was not to be asked. As written it claims a spontaneous fact the reader knows was an order. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose
45. redacted sentence: unpublished prose The Seal beat is worth keeping; move it up one paragraph and end the scene on the cart and the Hobbs woman. redacted sentence: unpublished prose
46. Length and the chapter break. 2,246 words against ~1,400. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted). Cuts inside it: the alehouse-step exchange (lines 3–13) restates what Edwin said on the causeway and redacted says so herself — take it to about half; "the part people are worst at" paragraph and the "eleven other people" paragraph compress to three sentences; the four-minute description of the line's work can lose the "wet end of a harvest" figure and keep the mechanism.

redacted sentence: unpublished prose

47. "It is not dramatic. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
48. "'That's four,' he said. / 'That's four,' said redacted." — dialogue rule 5, reflexive echo. → "'That's four,' he said. / 'Everybody in,' said redacted."
49. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted, and found him in it at nine" — Part 1, "in it" attaches to the mist. redacted sentence: unpublished prose
50. "He asked after his goat. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
51. "redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted.md 6d: her at-a-loss form is the roster that fails to answer, said plainly. → *"redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose
52. "There's things in redacted and things in the flooded ground" — Part 1, back-reference to nothing: the third draft has no flooding. The hatches stay shut in scene 65 unpublished and the only water on the page is three inches in a ditch. Either plant the hatches going down, or → "There's things in redacted and things out in the sedge."
53. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
54. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
55. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted is at the table from before six the previous evening to noon, which is eighteen. → "for eighteen hours."
56. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
57. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted's). redacted sentence: unpublished prose Twelve miles. redacted sentence: unpublished prose
58. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
59. "Dead of ours: none." / "Hurt: nine." / "Killed and not counted: …" / "Still loose." — Part 5, the "Item:" tic in diegetic dress. The structure is right and stays; drop the labels into speech: "None of ours dead." / "Nine hurt. Two of them badly."

68 — It buys you the night

60. "the wound gone the way a wound goes after a night in wet ground" — Part 2, gesture: say what it had done. redacted sentence: unpublished prose
61. "and it was the correct decision and nobody argued with it" — voices §1, the evaluative verdict tag. → "and nobody argued with him."
62. redacted sentence: unpublished prose Keep the second; here → "because he had nothing to add."
63. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
64. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
65. "It gives a beast a night and a day it wouldn't have had" — canon's blessing buys the night (the scene's own title); the dialogue extends it. redacted sentence: unpublished prose
66. "Sennet thought about it in the time it took him to think about anything, which was longer than most people liked and had never once been wasted." — voices §2 type-of-person clause plus a verdict tail, and Part 1 viewpoint: Edwin has known the man three weeks and cannot know it has never once been wasted. redacted sentence: unpublished prose
67. "Ask Sennet. He's the instrument." — Part 3/Part 6 register slip; "instrument" is a management word for a man. → *"Ask Sennet. redacted sentence: unpublished prose
68. "'Any other day.' / 'Any other day.'" — dialogue rule 5, the reflexive echo the census names by example. redacted sentence: unpublished prose
69. redacted sentence: unpublished prose unpublished she had already written it four times, and then wrote it a fifth on the causeway. → "five times."
70. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose
71. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose "Corridor" appears nowhere in the draft before this line. Peri quotes it as his, four times in one speech, and the whole argument of the scene rests on it. redacted sentence: unpublished prose
72. "because that's what's true about you in a corridor" — Part 2, the gesture the borrowed word lets her make. redacted sentence: unpublished prose
73. Peri's polysyndeton across the whole speech — peri.md rule 1's hard cap of two "and"s in a speech, and rule 7a (the "and"-pile is redacted's). Three of her turns here run four and five. Break them into her own short declaratives: "Today you couldn't. I could. redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted sentence: unpublished prose redacted had the night for it."
74. "and that he had been told a true thing twice in two days by a girl of eighteen" — Part 1, count and clock: the first telling was on the causeway on the 10th and this is the 14th. → "twice in four days."
75. The last sentence — Part 7, endings are cuts: three "and that" clauses closing on a composed shrug ("too tired to work out why"). redacted sentence: unpublished prose

Two devices a second round would be about

• Peri's summing-up speech (68) is the arc's thesis delivered as recitation, and it is currently carried by a word Edwin never said. Make it work by giving Edwin the corridor (or its replacement) on the page in 62 and cutting her speech to three sentences, so she is landing a hit rather than reading her notes aloud; otherwise it is the scene-level comment.
• The narrator's "he wrote that down twice / he could not say why it was worth seeing / she had been given a number and a distance" habit runs across 65, 66 and 67: the beat happens, then the narration tells the reader it was a beat. It is one device, not three lines, and the fix is to cut every instance but the one that is doing work (Peri's number and a distance, in 67).